Hey, Vern! For some reason I spent fourteen hours straight watching all of the Ernest movies back to back. I went through my experience of watching the first four in PART I. Let’s continue with the remaining FIVE movies, which I have to admit had extremely diminishing returns.
ERNEST RIDES AGAIN (1993)
2:30PM. I am really starting to wear down, and I still have five movies to go. And it’s not like they’re going to get better…this is the last Ernest movie that was actually released in theaters. The first three each made around 25-28 million, nothing crazy but turning a respectable profit (earning around the same as . Then Scared Stupid made only 14 million, and Disney pulled Touchstone out of the Ernest business. But Varney and gang wanted to keep making more Ernest movies, so this was released independently and boy did it crash land, only making 1.5 million in theaters. ONE POINT FIVE! SURF NINJAS MADE MORE THAN THIS. You’d think this catastrophe would mercifully bring a swift end to the Ernest Cinematic Universe (ECU), but oh no, it just meant that the last four would be banished straight to video.
And holy shit, I can see why this one tanked. All you really need to know about this movie is that for a large chunk of it, Ernest is stuck on a giant runaway Revolutionary War cannon. You’re right, that doesn’t make any sense. This is in Virginia maybe? He’s a janitor at a college and there’s like some old mythical giant cannon that might have the actual Crown Jewels of England or something? I don’t know. He straddles it, he gets stuck in it, some British spies try to kill him and so do some evil professors. What really pisses me off is Ernest doesn’t seem to have brought his dog along this time. Where’s Wallace Rimshot, Ernest? Where’s Rimshot?! I can maybe see how this was evolved out of some Ernest meets Indiana Jones idea, but if you don’t have the budget or script to pull it off, you end up with what looks like a high school video that was shot for extra credit. This is BY FAR the worst Ernest movie I’ve seen yet. Not only is the production value way down (it feels like they filmed at least half of this without a permit, hustling through shot lists on empty dirt roads before the neighbors tractor comes through), the plot is horrendous. Didn’t they have a whiteboard in this famed Tennessee ad agency somewhere with a bunch of Ernest Goes to BLANK ideas on it? How the hell did the runaway cannon make the top of this list? SPY ERNEST! BUTLER ERNEST! ERNEST GOES TO THE MOON! ANYTHING ELSE instead of Ernest humps a fake cannon nobody cares about.
I absolutely hated sitting through this, and started to fall asleep multiple times. My notes got really unintelligible, but here’s some highlights:
Meanwhile professor’s wife and vacuum people are looking for professor?
Ernest just straight up doing Raiders impressions saying well Dr Jones I see you have found the Ark for us.
Ernest gets stuck inside cannon headfirst, he’s worried there might be bugs or vampires inside it.
“Ernest consider the ramifications.” “We don’t have any ramifications. All we have is this cannon.”
“Ernest thanks to your help, we found the world’s largest cannon,” as they eat corn.
And that’s about it. Really the only good thing I can say about this movie is that it came in one of those old clear plastic VHS cases where you have to pinch the two ridged sides to slide the tape out. I didn’t expect these to get this bad this quickly. I am very discouraged. This might start reading like a dying soldier’s last letter to his girl back home.
ERNEST GOES TO SCHOOL (1994)
4PM. More than halfway, but still a long way to go. At the tail end of the last movie, there was a trailer for this one, and it said COMING AUGUST 94 TO THEATERS EVERYWHERE. Oof. If only they knew how wrong they were. They must have been pumping these out pretty quick at this point, because this was already filmed and ready to go before they realized there was no longer a demand for Ernest movies in theaters. If anything, THIS should definitely be the last Ernest movie, right? Quietly send it straight to every Blockbuster in the South and then be done with it (do people in the South even like Ernest? Or is he just a caricature that briefly amused coastal elites?). I wish there was a website that attempted to track 90s VHS rental numbers, I have a feeling whatever they were wouldn’t justify three more movies.
So the basic plot here is that Ernest is happily employed as a janitor/handyman at a high school and then the school district changes the rules, stating that all employees need to have a high school diploma. So what does Ernest do? He has to go back and pass 12th grade (Billy Madison comes out a year later). This plot just made me sad, I mean it’s one thing to require the guy inheriting a fortune 500 company to have an education, but what kind of monster makes a janitor do this just so he can keep being the JANITOR?
Still, this is much better than Runaway Cannon, and there’s some really fun fantasy moments that get added in. When Ernest is alone in the halls trying to find his math class, a tumbleweed rolls by and then the scene becomes like the wild west. A cowboy on horseback appears, nods at him, and tells him which way to go to class, and hands him a hall pass. There’s also a daydream where Ernest imagines himself waltzing with his crush, the band teacher Ms. Flugle. MS. FLUGLE! I mean, fine, this isn’t great comedy, but when you’ve been watching Ernest as long as I have, ANY change in form or tone is cause to celebrate. You also get to see Will Sasso as a bully football player in this. At one point he straight up pours lighter fluid on Ernest in class and then just fucking lights him on fire while all the kids laugh. I don’t even think he was sent to the principal’s office.
I thought I was in for a pretty straightforward movie about Ernest buckling down and studying, making the grade, and then giving a speech at graduation (and then immediately taking off his gown and start cleaning up the bleachers as the janitor). But boy did this movie have a much better twist in store for me. Ernest just isn’t smart enough to cut it, but luckily for him there are two SCIENTISTS (one of them is the bug eyed silent Bobby, a welcome return) who I guess work at this high school? These scientists have a secret lab behind the lockers where they have a brain power device. Ernest plugs in, and transforms into SMART ERNEST, pictured above. This was a great call. Varney gets to do a different voice, dropping the Ernest shtick completely and coming off instead as a pompous intellectual. And he changes his outfit! I am disgusted with myself when I realize how excited I am to see him wearing something new. Which makes me wonder…why does he always wear the same outfit? Is this whole Ernest look just what they threw him in for the first commercial and it stuck FOREVER? Would we not know it’s Ernest if he wore something else? There was a flashback scene in one of the last couple movies where we saw Ernest as a kid, writing on the chalkboard in detention like Bart Simpson, and even then, he was wearing the same outfit. I doubt even Steve Jobs was rocking a black turtleneck in junior high.
So, yada yada yada, Ernest of course loses his smart powers at inopportune times, and eventually the stakes somehow just become that if the school doesn’t win the big football game, it will be CLOSED LOL. This of course leads to Ernest saving the day by becoming the quarterback and throwing the winning touchdown TO HIMSELF (which he crab walks to catch). This movie really went off the rails, and I don’t think we even got a scene where he gets his diploma. I might have fallen asleep, though. Let’s just move on.
SLAM DUNK ERNEST (1995)
5:30PM. I am feeling slightly re-energized by how weird the last movie was. But hold up. Somehow, after six movies, this is the one where they decide the title doesn’t have to start with Ernest? I’m pissed. They couldn’t just have it be Ernest Slam Dunks? Whatever. Holy crap this movie is going to have Kareem Abdul Jabbar in it. I am really looking forward to the one on one match between him and Ernest (editors note: Kareem does not play ANY basketball in this movie). This is the other one I had to get on VHS, and the trailers before the FEATURE PRESENTATION are for Heavyweights and THE JERKY BOYS MOVIE lol. Remember that? No? Fine. The credits inform me that Kareem will not be playing himself, but a character called the ARKANGEL, and I am delighted by the possibilities. Is this going to be an Angels in the Outfield situation but with ghost Kareem lifting up Ernest to dunk? (editors note: no, it’s gonna be some magic shoe bullshit).
My excitement quickly fades when I see the drop in production value here. The last one might have been straight to video, but they had assumed they were shooting it for the big screen. That is not the case here. Almost all of the film either takes place in an empty mall or an empty basketball gym. This opens with Ernest working as a mall janitor with his new friends and co-workers, a group of black guys who also have a rec basketball team called CLEAN SWEEP (pretty good name). I think this is the moment where I really realized just how white the Ernest franchise is, and how white I am for wanting to rewatch this shit in the first place. Except for one black kid at camp in the first movie (who just happened to be the only kid who couldn’t swim, yeesh), these are the only black friends Ernest has had. He has barely even SPOKEN to anyone that isn’t white in the other six movies. I am REALLY nervous about seeing some blackface in Ernest Goes to Africa. Anyways, the other janitors tell Ernest he can’t play basketball, because he’s worse than white, he’s redneck. I’m into this dynamic. I also just realized we haven’t seen the chefs in a few movies, and I’m very glad they’re gone.
Ernest gets visited at night by an extremely stiff Kareem, who gives him some magic shoes that look like those old air pumps but with eyes. This gives Ernest the ability to just kind of fly around the court, and he joins the rec team and starts dominating rec basketball games. I can NOT overstate how uncomfortable it is to see Varney in a basketball uniform. Here I was rooting for costume changes, but be careful what you wish for. Also, the scorers table has a snack spread, and there’s a bowl of Bugles on it. I Google “What happened to Bugles” and am now time traveling back to a 2011 chat thread where nobody has any answers. People disagree whether or not they are still available in Canada.
The stakes are laughably low in this, I thought we were going to see Ernest joining the NBA, but instead he just wins the rec league championship by a score of 99-9. Oh wait I guess there are stakes, I must have just zoned out. For some reason, the winners of the rec league get to play one game against the CHARLOTTE HORNETS, and there will be NBA scouts there lolol. Sadly we do not get an appearance from Glen Rice or Larry Johnson (imagine if they had Ernest dress up as his old lady character and play one on one against Grandmama!). Side note, I guess this means Ernest has moved to North Carolina now. I really wonder the dark secrets he keeps, why he keeps moving from state to state. Only two movies left!
ERNEST GOES TO AFRICA (1997)
7PM It’s gotten dark and raining outside. The whole day has come and gone while I’ve been Ernesting. And now I have to sit through the one I have been dreading the most (editors note: it gets really racist). I’m actually surprised this one is set in Africa. For a failing franchise, it seems weird to do a location shoot. I look it up and BOTH of the final two Ernest movies were shot in South Africa, so there had to be some sort of shady tax break or something. I have no doubt that doing these movies for peanuts was a primary concern.
Somehow the quality has gotten even worse. This one looks worse than a History channel reenactment. I didn’t know a DVD could be blurry. I have really tuned out here, it’s hard for me to focus enough to even understand what’s going on. Wikipedia tells me that Ernest has given his crush waitress some secret jewels that some bad guys are after and then he gets kidnapped and taken to Africa. Again, this wants to be an Indiana Jones type situation, but the budget just won’t allow it. The humor has also turned much darker, straying from the source material. At one point Ernest knocks his pet goldfish into the sink and then accidentally turns on the garbage disposal. Not cool. And whenever Ernest isn’t on screen, this movie seems to forget it’s a comedy at all. The bad guys are all terrible actors who are trying to seem cool and evil, making this feel like a Steven Seagal flick. And now I’m slowly realizing that this has stopped being funny altogether. It’s only getting sadder and sadder watching Varney put on the blue vest each time, like seeing the Ghostbusters reduced to doing kid’s birthday parties or an alcoholic trying to keep the night going after last call.
About halfway through the movie, my worst fears are realized. At one point, Ernest turns to his female companion and says “don’t worry, I know how to talk to these guys” before walking up to a group of African men and saying “sup homies.” I thought this was bad until I got to the part where Ernest actually dons blackface with an offensive accent in disguise as an Indian servant. Holy shit. It is a stereotype of a stereotype, from white men who probably only knew India through what they had seen depicted in Temple of Doom. Ernest gets captured by a cannibalistic tribe, and then escapes after they are all infatuated by Ernest’s yo-yo. This movie is rapidly making me rethink this whole project. My only option is to tune out completely. Fuck.
My wife has come home from work, I get to interact with another human which is nice. Although she quickly can’t stand this movie and retreats to her laptop. We order Indian food, and all I’m really doing at this point is staring at the clock for the samosas to get here. Occasionally the backdrop of shooting this in Africa pays off with some nice production value, but the quality of the video is so low (not to mention all the racism) that it doesn’t matter. I am so happy there’s only one movie left. Soon it will all be over.
ERNEST IN THE ARMY (1998)
8:30PM. And finally, here we are. A light at the end of the tunnel. Only ninety more minutes. I had started this day thinking I might turn this into an annual tradition, try to get some friends together and have an Ernest film festival. But holy shit, fuck that. That will not be happening. Besides showing my future children the cinematic masterpiece Ernest Goes to Jail, I doubt I’ll ever watch one of these movies again.
This time Ernest starts out shagging golf balls at a driving range in Georgia, until he joins the Army reserves in hopes of getting to drive big trucks. He has a friend in the army, and I realize this guy is John R. Cherry III, the ad agency exec who invented Ernest 18 years ago and has directed eight of the nine movies. Knowing that this was their last film together, it’s kind of nice to see them interact onscreen, and Cherry isn’t that bad.
Somehow Ernest is sent into actual combat, and I’d be lying if I told you I had followed the plot at all the rest of the way. At one point Ernest says “I learned CPR on Oprah!” There’s a bad guy strapped to a rocket. Ernest befriends a local kid and teaches him how to make pancakes. Does any of this even matter? The Wikipedia entry for this movie is laughably sparse (it’s considered a stub instead of a real article), the shortest guide to any of the movies. But this is the last one! Shouldn’t that mean something? Unfortunately no.
I wish there was something poetic about him starting his journey at a summer camp and ending it in the army, but that would be a stretch (the tag line is trying to do this, saying “Americas hero is finally back in camp,” but that isn’t really accurate. Ernest skips boot camp in this and just goes straight to deployment). The problem is it’s clear that they didn’t expect this to be the last movie. There’s no end to his character’s journey to land a slightly higher job than the one he currently has. No farewell Ernest moment, where all the characters from all the movies come to his funeral and remember what a great friend he was. This is the problem when you reset the world every single movie, there’s nothing to build off of, nothing to keep an audience interested in coming back. Why didn’t Ernest ever get married, or have kids? Can’t you just picture the poster of him standing confused over a crib, pinching his nose and holding a dirty diaper? Why didn’t he invent something and become famous, or at least start his own business? The character never grew at all, which meant there was never any chance to keep things fresh or interesting. By the 9th movie, all you want is for Ernest to just go away.
And that’s it. It’s almost 10:30 at night, and I’m free. I can finally stop watching Ernest movies. I turn off the tv, grateful to have my life back. I should be thrilled. But I can’t help but feel a little sad. The only reason this marathon is over is because Jim Varney died before they could make another movie. Varney was diagnosed with lung cancer in 96 (he was a heavy smoker), and he passed away in 2000.
I can’t help but picture how things could have been different for the man behind Ernest. He was clearly talented, but somehow just got trapped doing the same thing. Sure he started out in commercials, but he had become a household name. You didn’t see Jim Carrey do ten Ace Ventura movies, or Robin Williams reduced to trotting out Mrs. Doubtfire Goes to Washington straight to video. They moved on to more dramatic roles, they expanded their range, and they stopped being typecast. Did Varney ever audition for Saturday Night Live in his younger days? He would have been a natural on that show, a crowd favorite scene-stealer with all his impressions and characters. He had already worked his way into Toy Story as Slinky Dog…people knew he was funny.
I start to wonder how different things could have been if he didn’t die so young (he was only 50). If he would have had a renaissance, a post-Ernest career. Sure there was the chance that we’d have just gotten more Ernest movies, and I’d be doing this for ten more hours. But I like to imagine something happier than that. Maybe somewhere along the way, Quentin Tarantino or P.T. Anderson would have taken an inspired chance, casting him as a troubled patriarch or hitman, and gotten something incredible out of him. Maybe he gets nominated for an Oscar. I really think he was that good. And after fourteen hours of watching the man at work, I’m equally impressed and frustrated. He was always slumming as Ernest, aw shucksing his way through the limited interviews I could find, never living up to the potential he had as an actor. In this way, Varney was more like Ernest than he probably cared to admit. The character will unfortunately be his legacy, but that’s also better than most of us can hope for. Ernest goes forever, and so does Varney. KnoWhatIMean?
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